My obstacles are God's opportunities

Hey guys, I really don't know where to start. The past couple of months have been filled with ups and downs. Right now at this specific time I feel as though I am living in the "school of Adversity." As I look back over the last 6 months all I see is me trying my best to understand God and what He is doing. I wish I could say I now know but that would be lying. The only thing I know right now is that I am being forced to wait. I hate waiting! I hate being Patient!

Most of you who read this know that 4 months ago Jamie and I hosted a boy from Latvia named Alex (it's amazing how involved he is in my life and he doesn't even live here). While Alex was here I began to understand what it feels like to be a dad. From this moment on my "daddy switch" was activated. My desire to be a dad had overthrown my thought process until it became consuming. But God very clearly said... "not now." All I knew to say was, BUT WHY GOD!? Why give me the desires and why send me through and emotional roller coaster simply to tell me to WAIT.

I am studying about this guy named Joseph in the Old Testament. At the age of 17 Joseph was told through a dream that his family would eventually bow down to him. Shortly after these dreams his brothers sold him off into slavery. While in slavery his masters wife fell in love with him, and when Joseph refused her she told lies about him which got him thrown into prison... for two years. Now I am sure that during these times Joseph was asking GOD WHY!? He knew that this didn't line up with what God promised him through his dreams...

So now here I am. I get that Joseph had to have patients and that Joseph was learning all the stuff that he would eventually need to know to hold the office that he was destined to fulfill. What I don't understand is how to control my heart. I will explain...

Ever since January 16th (the day Alex went back to Latvia), not a day goes by that I don't think of little children who do not have a mommy or a daddy to love them. Not a night goes by that I don't think of a child who has no one to say "I love you, goodnight!" There are nights where I lie awake and think about all the children who lay in bed and wonder if there parents will ever come back and get them. There are millions of orphans all over the world that need a mom and a dad. Jamie and I can be that mom and dad. The Bible says religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widow in their distress. But God says WAIT. How do I control my heart?

This is what I don't understand. This is why I say God?!?!?! Why not now? GOD, you gave me this passion and desire. You gave me that heart that beats for them. Why give it to me, just to tell me to wait. GOD PLEASE ANSWER! 

It's like I have the passion, but not permission...

Please know that what I am writing on this blog is the true depths of my heart. You are reading my cry. You are seeing me experience hurt, chaos and pain. Yet I know that through all of this... My obstacles are simply opportunities for God to show Himself. So I expectantly await God's revealing.

God?

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Everyday for the past week I have been telling myself to get on and write down some of the thoughts that have been coming to my head, but I always forget. So its Monday morning and today is my off day! I was sitting at the computer catching up on some homework and I realized that I needed to write. The past few weeks have been filled with days of me questioning God. Questions like God! What are you doing? Where are you? Why can't I hear you?  I desire more than anything to be in His will and doing what He wants me to do. But I have no clue what that is... I have been begging God for clarity. Then on the way to class the other night I heard these lyrics come from my ipod...." I am one tear in the dropping rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart? One life, that's all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If you're everything you say you are would you come close and hold my heart?" Again I found a song that defined me. I wanted to know that God was there and that He knew my heart was breaking. At this moment God spoke, and again through song. Next my ipod said this..."well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between, these times you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace, the times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and attempted to steal, in times of confusion and chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame, I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm, my love I will keep you by my power alone, I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been, i'll never forsake you, my love never ends, it never ends..." This is what I needed to hear. God was there and He cared about each tear I have cried. He knows my heart and knows exactly what I need. 

 Crazy as that night was God wasn't finished. So that night when I got home, I jumped on facebook to check in with my friends. I would have never guessed what would have happened next. There was a young man (he is 15 years old) on facebook that night that I haven't spoken with in 2 years. I was the student pastor of a church in Marietta, Ga and he came with some friends to a church retreat. This kid was one of those kids that just stuck out of the crowd, and one you would never forget. Anyways he and his family moved away shortly after the retreat and we just lost touch. That night we friended each other and he began to talk with me through facebook chat. After talking for hours he began to tell me that he was struggling with some really hard stuff. As he walked me through where he was spiritually, I began to realize that I had been exactly where he was. We had a very similar struggle. The struggle was pornography. At this moment in time God spoke again! When I was this young man's age I longed for someone to help free me from this addiction. But the shame that I felt inside kept me from seeking out someone. I needed someone to come to me. Just as this young man needed. The guilt and shame he was bearing was unimaginable. But that night God allowed me to be apart of this young man being "SET FREE!" It was an incredible experience seeing God use my horrible past to help set someone free. That night God said CHRIS! I am here! I have not gone anywhere!  

  

I give you all of me for all you ARE...

Well as I write this God is continuing to speak to me in amazing ways. Its almost like the Bible has come alive. I have been studying this guy named Solomon in the Old Testament. He was the son of David. Long story short at the age of 20 he becomes the King of the nation of Israel. In 1 kings chapter 3 God appears to Solomon and ask him the most amazing question in the world. The God of the universe asks a fleshly man... "ask whatever you want me to give to you." Solomon at this moment in time could have asked for anything that he ever desired. He could have asked for money or power or even long life... but he doesn't ask for any of these things. No he simply states to God that he wants the wisdom to lead His people. Solomon told God, I give you all of me for all you ARE... This is the heart that I desire.

This week has been another tough week. Even though I am hearing God clearly, I still have to make the choice of whether or not I am going to act upon what I am learning. Every morning and about 100 times throughout the day I have to surrender everything I am and ask for everything God is. One of my professors this week gave my a quote that I am trying to live my life by. It goes like this, "You may never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have." I am trying my hardest to get to a place in my life where I am totally content with Jesus and Jesus alone. So many times my desires, even good desires, become my focus instead of Christ. I want to be at a place where I am okay if my desires are never fulfilled, because I know that Christ death on the cross was more than I'll ever deserve. 

 GOD I give you all of me for all you ARE!!! 

God opens doors...God closes doors...

Here I am again back at square one. Tonight in my old testament class God reminded me once again about patience. But I have to admit, I am quite angry with God. Right when I feel I know where He is leading He shuts the door in my face. Right when I start to get excited about whats to come, He tells me "no, this is not for you." My desire it to give everything I am; I desire to be completely surrendered to God's will. But God has a mean curve ball. Right when I am focused on what I think He has placed before me, I swing away... MISS!!!
Tonight on the way home, I heard a song by the band Mainstay. The chorus states, "when all around me starts to fall, and when my faith it seems so small. Even in my darkest hour, I will believe. Even when the sun begins to fall, even when I feel nothing at all. Even if I'm alone, I will believe." This is where I am spiritually. I refuse to give up on God's plan for my life. Even when I don't understand or I am just plain mad! I still believe that God is working in my life. I just need to lay my desires at God's feet and allow Him to do with them what He wants. And of course be PATIENT! I hate that word.
To be even more honest! Where I am spiritually right now...hurts! I know that it is a good thing to be refined by God. But last time I checked, sitting in a blazing fire was not all that comfortable. One day I will look back and be thankful for what God has taken me through. I just pray it comes sooner rather than later.

Why am I awake???

It is Sunday morning and my computer says that it is 4:19am. I feel as though God is keeping me awake. Why? I don't know. When I realized that I was not going to be able to fall back asleep I just got up and thought... Why not write a blog? So here I am! Yesterday was absolutly amazing! Jamie had my birthday all planned out for me. I mean the whole day! She woke me up with breakfast in bed. She made my favorite, Cinnamon Rolls. To this she tells me that throughout my day I will receive 25 gifts. Hint...I turned 25. The first gift was my birthday card, the second was the cinnamon rolls, and the third was a glass of milk. The glass of milk is pretty important to me because right now my doctor says I am not allowed to have it (long story). Anyways I was excited. So the gifts continued, but some of the gifts were more special than the others. Jamie had taken the time to write on these pieces of paper that she cut into hearts all the things she really loved about me. Wow! These truly made my day. Jamie put so much effort into making my Birthday amazing!
Suddenly....... I do feel as though I know why I am awake. When I woke up... I had God and His plans for Jamie and I on my mind. Last night Jamie and I were discussing my current situation in life and my frustrations with it. Regardless of who, what and when's, I felt like I was doing something wrong... So when I woke up this morning, God was saying to me..."Chris I have placed you exactly where I want you to be for now." I understood exactly what it meant.
I am having the hardest time being patient right now. I feel like God has given me a glimpse of my future but He is telling me "Not Now." It is hard to wait. It is hard to trust. But I know the outcome will be so much better if I wait and trust.
Everyday I have Air 1's verse of the day sent to my phone. Yesterday's verse was Isaiah 65:24 which states, "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" God is so Faithful. Yesterday that verse didn't mean much, but this morning it means so much! God knew exactly where my heart was and before I had the time to pray...He gave me the answer. Now this doesn't mean it is the answer I want, but I know it is what I need.
So I guess I will end this with...I found out why I was awake!!!

Just when I thought it couldn't get better....It did!

God is so amazing! The past couple of days have been days filled with God proving just how incredible He is. I am simply blown away. Everywhere I turn there are doors being opened. It's like God has placed each step in front of me and all I have to do is take that step. I am still not sure what God has in store with my future, but I have to say that I am enjoying the ride! What is even more incredible is that God has united Jamie and I together for this. This journey, though hard, has strengened our marriage. Just when I thought I had all the love my wife needed...God gave me HIS love for her. Just when I thought our marriage was the best it could be... it got better!!! God is in the business of showing His Magnificent Glory. All He ask of us is to TRUST Him. God's plans are so much better than my plans.
God here I am.....SEND ME...I AM AVAILABLE...I WILL GO WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO.

Tapestry in the making...

Right now in my life there are so many things going on. I honestly feel like God is doing all these incredible things around me. Everywhere I look lives are being changed for the good. My brother and his wife are about to have a baby boy. Alex has found a home and will be in America this year. So with all this going on around me it would be quite easy to say "God? When are we going to be able to experience this incredible life change?" For the past couple of weeks I have had my ups and downs regarding God's timing. But what I have come to learn is that God sees so much more than I do. That is where this whole tapestry topic comes into play. God is constantly looking at this incredible tapestry that He is working on every second of our lives. Philippians 1:6 states, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Everyday when I wake up I have to trust in the fact that God is still working in me. What this means to me is that He is preparing me for something incredible. He is constantly molding me into what He wants me to be. But I have to be patient. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in control. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says that "eyes have not seen, ears have not heard and minds have not conceived what Christ has prepared for those who love Him." If I believe what the Word of God says then I have to believe that there is something in the making that will blow my mind away. Each day that I am obedient to God's will I get the privilege of experiencing His desires for my life. This was my thoughts for today...