My obstacles are God's opportunities

Hey guys, I really don't know where to start. The past couple of months have been filled with ups and downs. Right now at this specific time I feel as though I am living in the "school of Adversity." As I look back over the last 6 months all I see is me trying my best to understand God and what He is doing. I wish I could say I now know but that would be lying. The only thing I know right now is that I am being forced to wait. I hate waiting! I hate being Patient!

Most of you who read this know that 4 months ago Jamie and I hosted a boy from Latvia named Alex (it's amazing how involved he is in my life and he doesn't even live here). While Alex was here I began to understand what it feels like to be a dad. From this moment on my "daddy switch" was activated. My desire to be a dad had overthrown my thought process until it became consuming. But God very clearly said... "not now." All I knew to say was, BUT WHY GOD!? Why give me the desires and why send me through and emotional roller coaster simply to tell me to WAIT.

I am studying about this guy named Joseph in the Old Testament. At the age of 17 Joseph was told through a dream that his family would eventually bow down to him. Shortly after these dreams his brothers sold him off into slavery. While in slavery his masters wife fell in love with him, and when Joseph refused her she told lies about him which got him thrown into prison... for two years. Now I am sure that during these times Joseph was asking GOD WHY!? He knew that this didn't line up with what God promised him through his dreams...

So now here I am. I get that Joseph had to have patients and that Joseph was learning all the stuff that he would eventually need to know to hold the office that he was destined to fulfill. What I don't understand is how to control my heart. I will explain...

Ever since January 16th (the day Alex went back to Latvia), not a day goes by that I don't think of little children who do not have a mommy or a daddy to love them. Not a night goes by that I don't think of a child who has no one to say "I love you, goodnight!" There are nights where I lie awake and think about all the children who lay in bed and wonder if there parents will ever come back and get them. There are millions of orphans all over the world that need a mom and a dad. Jamie and I can be that mom and dad. The Bible says religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widow in their distress. But God says WAIT. How do I control my heart?

This is what I don't understand. This is why I say God?!?!?! Why not now? GOD, you gave me this passion and desire. You gave me that heart that beats for them. Why give it to me, just to tell me to wait. GOD PLEASE ANSWER! 

It's like I have the passion, but not permission...

Please know that what I am writing on this blog is the true depths of my heart. You are reading my cry. You are seeing me experience hurt, chaos and pain. Yet I know that through all of this... My obstacles are simply opportunities for God to show Himself. So I expectantly await God's revealing.

God?

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Everyday for the past week I have been telling myself to get on and write down some of the thoughts that have been coming to my head, but I always forget. So its Monday morning and today is my off day! I was sitting at the computer catching up on some homework and I realized that I needed to write. The past few weeks have been filled with days of me questioning God. Questions like God! What are you doing? Where are you? Why can't I hear you?  I desire more than anything to be in His will and doing what He wants me to do. But I have no clue what that is... I have been begging God for clarity. Then on the way to class the other night I heard these lyrics come from my ipod...." I am one tear in the dropping rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart? One life, that's all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If you're everything you say you are would you come close and hold my heart?" Again I found a song that defined me. I wanted to know that God was there and that He knew my heart was breaking. At this moment God spoke, and again through song. Next my ipod said this..."well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between, these times you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace, the times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and attempted to steal, in times of confusion and chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame, I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm, my love I will keep you by my power alone, I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been, i'll never forsake you, my love never ends, it never ends..." This is what I needed to hear. God was there and He cared about each tear I have cried. He knows my heart and knows exactly what I need. 

 Crazy as that night was God wasn't finished. So that night when I got home, I jumped on facebook to check in with my friends. I would have never guessed what would have happened next. There was a young man (he is 15 years old) on facebook that night that I haven't spoken with in 2 years. I was the student pastor of a church in Marietta, Ga and he came with some friends to a church retreat. This kid was one of those kids that just stuck out of the crowd, and one you would never forget. Anyways he and his family moved away shortly after the retreat and we just lost touch. That night we friended each other and he began to talk with me through facebook chat. After talking for hours he began to tell me that he was struggling with some really hard stuff. As he walked me through where he was spiritually, I began to realize that I had been exactly where he was. We had a very similar struggle. The struggle was pornography. At this moment in time God spoke again! When I was this young man's age I longed for someone to help free me from this addiction. But the shame that I felt inside kept me from seeking out someone. I needed someone to come to me. Just as this young man needed. The guilt and shame he was bearing was unimaginable. But that night God allowed me to be apart of this young man being "SET FREE!" It was an incredible experience seeing God use my horrible past to help set someone free. That night God said CHRIS! I am here! I have not gone anywhere!