Something in the making...

God is so big. Just when I think I understand how big He is...He gets bigger. The past two weeks have been weeks of illumination. God has spoken and I heard Him...Loud and Clear! The past year God has been trying to tell me something but I always thought it was just a selfish desire. This past week God finally got through to say "It's me!" Jamie and I are now on a journey. A journey to see lives changed. Project One Forty Three has been created and through it, life will never be the same. Jamie and I have launched what will become life as we know it. We have started a organization that will forever change the lives of orphans and the communities that they live in. Together we will raise money to help impact the lives of ONE hundred and FORTY THREE million orphans. The day is coming when God will say...Go get them Chris...I will be ready...Because something is in the making!

Funny!?!?

Good morning world...Seriously? 1:30am!!! God you must be preparing me to be a daddy. I have to admit, it is a wonderful feeling waking up thinking about little Eli and how much I already love him. He is not even here yet and I think about him constantly. He captivates my thoughts, turns stressful moments into joy and when everything seems to be going wrong, just the thought of him and everything changes. As I sit here and write, I am starting to cry. I am so in love with a little boy and he is not even here. God thank you so much!!! We have prayed for so long that you would give us a child. Now we are only 4 months away from him being here. I find it amazing that you know his days. God I pray that I am an example of you. That everyday Eli sees Christ in me. God I pray that you protect his heart. That in these early years he develops a foundation that is built on you. I pray that his child-like faith will grow all the days of his life. May he be a servant to you.

I find it funny that it is now 2:00am and here I sit on my couch dreaming about the time that I will hold my little boy. The day I get to look into his eyes and meet him for the first time. What will he think? Will he recognize my voice? Will he feel comforted in the fact that his daddy is holding him? Does he know that I will do anything for him? Does he know that I will always protect him, I will always be there for him? Does he know how much I love him? Now I am starting to laugh as I ask myself "will I cry?" OF COURSE! People say that life will never be the same. That excites me. I have longed for this change. I have longed for this responsibility.

God help me remember that Elijah is your gift to Jamie and I. Though we are responsible for him, he will always be Yours.

Love can change everything!!!

I woke up this morning with so many different thoughts on my mind. What, when, where, who, and how seem to be the beginning of everything I think. God is working and I can feel Him, but the answers are still not clear. So I will be patient. The one thing that keeps turning in my head is how this all began. This journey of following God to do things that were so beyond me. Things that I would never do, or ever dream of. It started with the move to Savannah. But that was just the beginning. God brought us here for a reason unknown to us at the time. It wasn't until September 2008 that we would embark on something that would change our life forever. This life change would come in the form of a little boy named "Aleks". Jamie and I decided to host this little boy from Latvia for 4 weeks and allow him to experience Christmas in America. Who knew that this little boy would cause a beautiful disaster. Anyways, my story actually begins the night of January 14th 2009. This was our last day with Aleks. We knew that the next day we had to drive him back to the airport and send him back home to the life that he so desired to leave behind. It was quite a helpless feeling. Here were my thoughts... 

(January 14, 2009)

I wish I could explain the feeling I have in my stomach. I lay here with so many thoughts. I have to admit I am angry. Right now nothing makes since. I have the desire to do so much, yet there are chains that bind me saying NO. But Why. All I can do is cry... and when I finish crying, I cry some more. Right now 10 feet away from me a little boy sleeps. A little boy who deserves a Mom and Dad that love him. For the past 4 weeks that is what he has received. Unending, unselfish love. But it all stops tomorrow. Is that possible? NO! We will never stop loving him. But does he know that? Does he know how much we care for him? My anger is fueling, my hurt is devastating. But the person I turn to is SILENT! God!?!? Why??? Doesn't he deserve a family that loves him? Doesn't he deserve to be raised in a family that loves you? I am laying here begging you to do something...anything. Please don't make me send him back home with no hope. God I can't handle this! Why would you do this? We love him. We know you love him more. So please do something! 

I had no clue at the time that God was working in a way that was much bigger than I thought. The morning of January 15 was a horrible day. I remember the numb feeling all over my body. It was as if I was being forced to do something that I did not want to do. I have never felt so much pain in my life. But I was without a choice. We packed up Aleks and got in the car. He seemed pretty quiet this morning. Not his normal self. I wish I could have known his thoughts. Was he hurting, did he understand, did he know that we loved him? These questions almost killed me. If they were doing this to me, I can't imagine what he was going through. But again I state, God was working!

I am going to move on in my thoughts. If I don't I will be here all day. We said our good byes and Jamie and I drove back to Savannah. It was a quiet ride. I longed to do something, anything. I couldn't live with the fact that I just sent Aleks back to an ORPHANAGE! I was so mad at God. I kept telling myself... I refuse to allow him to live there. But, what was I to do?

FACEBOOK! That was it! I had to find someone. Someone who would listen, care, and DO SOMETHING! God is so Amazing! I posted on Facebook..."Is anyone interested in Adoption?" This was the only thing I knew to do. And it worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

What is so crazy is that this story is just the beginning. God radically changed my heart. He taught me that it is possible to love someone with out even knowing them. He also taught me His love for me. God loves us more than we can even imagine. It's a love that never stops, ends, or fails. Now I want to share this love. I want to change the lives of orphaned children around the world. I want them to know that they are loved and that they are worth loving. I want to hold them in my arms and let them know that someone cares. They are not forgotten! I truly believe that we can change their lives with love. Love can change everything...

Communion?

I woke up early this morning with this thought in my head. Are you truly ready for communion? This question seem to pull me out of dead sleep. It was like I was sleeping then suddenly I was awake and this question was resonating in my mind. To be honest, I believe God is trying to tell me something. My second thought is this... I just bought the new Tobymac song "city on our knees". I am not a huge Tobymac fan but this song keeps playing over and over in my head. The part I can't seem to shake is, "If you got to start somewhere why not here? If you got to start sometime why not now?" Its as if God took those words I was singing literal? At 4:00am He said I here you! So, back to this communions stuff... 1 Corinthians 11:27-30 says this, "Therefore, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord. A man ought to examine himself before he eats of the bread and drinks of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without recognizing the body of the Lord eats and drinks judgment on himself." I know that communion is not to be taken lightly, but to be honest, have I ever fully examined myself? Maybe this is why God has me up. I need to spend some time reflecting. I need to place myself beside Christ and see all the things that do not line up. I can name quite a few flaws right off the top of my head. The words of Paul are running in and out my head as I write this. Why is it that all the things I want to do, I DON'T DO...and the things I hate to do, I DO! I pray that God humbles my heart and that He continues to remind me that I am in need of Him daily. If only I could live every moment in the attitude that I am right now. God Please...less of me, more of you!

Today is a NEW day...

I have been dreaming of this day. The day that God would change everything. To be honest I was starting to believe that God wasn't going to come through. I was beginning to believe that No was His answer. But what he required of us was more than a yes or no answer, it was patients. Patients to wait on Him. Patients to wait for His perfect timing. I wish I could say that I was exactly what God would have wanted me to be. I wish I could say that every morning I got up and I layed my trust at His feet. But unfortunately I cannot do that. This process has been very long and hard for me. What I can't do is take any credit. God has clearly led and guided me through this time. This is a total God thing.... BUT, now what??? God!? what do we do now?
I have learned that trusting God takes away the pressures of the world. If I cast all my cares on Him, then I can walk through this world knowing that I am taken care of. God is good and today is a NEW day...Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." God WE trust You!
Thanks Elijah and Lilly Kate for all your help through this!!!

Woe is me....

In the past two weeks I have managed to complete one whole book and start another. For me, this is a major accomplishment! What is crazy is how God is using these two books to radically change my life. This second book I am reading now is making me stop and think about creation and my Creator. The more I think the more I realize how insignificant I am, and how unimaginable, amazing, astonishing, unfathomable our God is. Even more amazing than this is that He has a Crazy Love for me.
So I was laying in bed and I was thinking about all this stuff and I couldn't sleep. How can you sleep when you begin to think about God and His attributes? It has taken over my mind. I want to go out on my roof and shout out how much I love him. But is that enough....No. I can never do enough. But yet God still loves me... Its hard to comprehend.
So... I have always been the kind of person to try and buck the system, but I feel the urge now more than ever. I don't think half of us have a clue of God or what He is about. I mean...if we did, then I don't think we would continue to do what we do. We get up and do our same routine over and over and over. Its monotonous... We live the life as a good Christian... We go to church, we pray and worship, we even read Bible stories to our children. These activities even "fulfill us"... But is this the Life of a Christian... If so, then I quit! Because God didn't create me to live on this magnificent ball we call Earth to spin around the amazing big ball of fire we call the Sun, just to live a NORMAL Christian life. He created everything so big and huge that I have to believe He created me that way to... I don't want to live and die just to be known as a good Christian... I want to spend the rest of my life changing the lives of others. I want to make sure I take care of the widowed and the orphaned. I want my life to be NOT about me. If I live life to gain something then I have lived it for the wrong reasons. What if when Paul said "to die is gain", he didn't mean a physical death. What if he meant a death of all his desires. The death of selfishness. Most of us, including me, live life to pay for our nice house, to pay for our nice car, to pay for the nice school for our children...We save up money in our savings accounts and our 401K's so that "we" can have a good retirement...But when was the last time we paid for someone in need, or took care of a child without a hope and a future?
GOD please HELP me... I hate who I have become! This world has transformed my thinking into caring more about myself than others. I have missed the message of the Bible. And the only person to blame is myself. Woe is me... for I am a man of unclean lips...
Welcome to my heart... I hope you get it...

Where am I?

Hey all my peeps...

 It feels like it has been forever since I have written something on my blog. So I am sitting here in my office and I had the urge to write. The past couple of days have been liberating. I finally finished this semester of school. I honestly thought it was never going to end. I found myself asking this question everyday, "God, do I really have to go to school for 2 more years?" To be honest, I don't think God has responded. So I will continue through school until I know God wants me to do something different. 

 It seems as though everything in my life leads to this word  we call patience. I have been learning this word for the past 6 months or so. I think I am just now coming to a place in my life where I am okay with it most of the time (some days I am not okay with it). Right now I am surrounded with the works of God. I see him working in all these areas of my life. For awhile I was so frustrated because, from my eye sight, God was not working in my life. All these amazing things were happening around me but I wasn't experiencing the joy that everyone else was experiencing. But a couple of weeks ago I realized why I was seeing things this way. See I was raised to believe that God has amazing things in store for my life. I was taught all the promises in the Bible like Proverb 3:5-6 where God says he will direct our paths, and Jeremiah 29:11 where we have the promise that God has plans of a great future for us, and even 1 Corinthians 2:9 that speaks of God having things prepared for us beyond our comprehension. My whole life I have been looking ahead in time asking God, "when will I get to these great promises you have for me?" Here is where I found my problem. I have been so focused on WHEN God was going to do these great things in my future that I have missed all the small things He has been doing in my midst. 

 For me, I want to be used by God to do GREAT things. I want to impact this world for Christ. In my head that means being the next Rob Bell or Francis Chan, but that is not what God has in mind. He doesn't need another one of those guys , mainly because He already has them, but what He needs is for me to be obedient to Him right now. One day I will look back over my life and see that God has done incredible things through me, and I will be able to see that it was nothing of my own works, but of Christ through me. All I need to know is that at the end of the day, if I was obedient to the will of Christ... then I have accomplished what God wants for me today. 

 So to answer the question "Where am I?"... I am exactly where God wants me for today...

My obstacles are God's opportunities

Hey guys, I really don't know where to start. The past couple of months have been filled with ups and downs. Right now at this specific time I feel as though I am living in the "school of Adversity." As I look back over the last 6 months all I see is me trying my best to understand God and what He is doing. I wish I could say I now know but that would be lying. The only thing I know right now is that I am being forced to wait. I hate waiting! I hate being Patient!

Most of you who read this know that 4 months ago Jamie and I hosted a boy from Latvia named Alex (it's amazing how involved he is in my life and he doesn't even live here). While Alex was here I began to understand what it feels like to be a dad. From this moment on my "daddy switch" was activated. My desire to be a dad had overthrown my thought process until it became consuming. But God very clearly said... "not now." All I knew to say was, BUT WHY GOD!? Why give me the desires and why send me through and emotional roller coaster simply to tell me to WAIT.

I am studying about this guy named Joseph in the Old Testament. At the age of 17 Joseph was told through a dream that his family would eventually bow down to him. Shortly after these dreams his brothers sold him off into slavery. While in slavery his masters wife fell in love with him, and when Joseph refused her she told lies about him which got him thrown into prison... for two years. Now I am sure that during these times Joseph was asking GOD WHY!? He knew that this didn't line up with what God promised him through his dreams...

So now here I am. I get that Joseph had to have patients and that Joseph was learning all the stuff that he would eventually need to know to hold the office that he was destined to fulfill. What I don't understand is how to control my heart. I will explain...

Ever since January 16th (the day Alex went back to Latvia), not a day goes by that I don't think of little children who do not have a mommy or a daddy to love them. Not a night goes by that I don't think of a child who has no one to say "I love you, goodnight!" There are nights where I lie awake and think about all the children who lay in bed and wonder if there parents will ever come back and get them. There are millions of orphans all over the world that need a mom and a dad. Jamie and I can be that mom and dad. The Bible says religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widow in their distress. But God says WAIT. How do I control my heart?

This is what I don't understand. This is why I say God?!?!?! Why not now? GOD, you gave me this passion and desire. You gave me that heart that beats for them. Why give it to me, just to tell me to wait. GOD PLEASE ANSWER! 

It's like I have the passion, but not permission...

Please know that what I am writing on this blog is the true depths of my heart. You are reading my cry. You are seeing me experience hurt, chaos and pain. Yet I know that through all of this... My obstacles are simply opportunities for God to show Himself. So I expectantly await God's revealing.

God?

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Everyday for the past week I have been telling myself to get on and write down some of the thoughts that have been coming to my head, but I always forget. So its Monday morning and today is my off day! I was sitting at the computer catching up on some homework and I realized that I needed to write. The past few weeks have been filled with days of me questioning God. Questions like God! What are you doing? Where are you? Why can't I hear you?  I desire more than anything to be in His will and doing what He wants me to do. But I have no clue what that is... I have been begging God for clarity. Then on the way to class the other night I heard these lyrics come from my ipod...." I am one tear in the dropping rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart? One life, that's all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If you're everything you say you are would you come close and hold my heart?" Again I found a song that defined me. I wanted to know that God was there and that He knew my heart was breaking. At this moment God spoke, and again through song. Next my ipod said this..."well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between, these times you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace, the times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and attempted to steal, in times of confusion and chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame, I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm, my love I will keep you by my power alone, I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been, i'll never forsake you, my love never ends, it never ends..." This is what I needed to hear. God was there and He cared about each tear I have cried. He knows my heart and knows exactly what I need. 

 Crazy as that night was God wasn't finished. So that night when I got home, I jumped on facebook to check in with my friends. I would have never guessed what would have happened next. There was a young man (he is 15 years old) on facebook that night that I haven't spoken with in 2 years. I was the student pastor of a church in Marietta, Ga and he came with some friends to a church retreat. This kid was one of those kids that just stuck out of the crowd, and one you would never forget. Anyways he and his family moved away shortly after the retreat and we just lost touch. That night we friended each other and he began to talk with me through facebook chat. After talking for hours he began to tell me that he was struggling with some really hard stuff. As he walked me through where he was spiritually, I began to realize that I had been exactly where he was. We had a very similar struggle. The struggle was pornography. At this moment in time God spoke again! When I was this young man's age I longed for someone to help free me from this addiction. But the shame that I felt inside kept me from seeking out someone. I needed someone to come to me. Just as this young man needed. The guilt and shame he was bearing was unimaginable. But that night God allowed me to be apart of this young man being "SET FREE!" It was an incredible experience seeing God use my horrible past to help set someone free. That night God said CHRIS! I am here! I have not gone anywhere!  

  

I give you all of me for all you ARE...

Well as I write this God is continuing to speak to me in amazing ways. Its almost like the Bible has come alive. I have been studying this guy named Solomon in the Old Testament. He was the son of David. Long story short at the age of 20 he becomes the King of the nation of Israel. In 1 kings chapter 3 God appears to Solomon and ask him the most amazing question in the world. The God of the universe asks a fleshly man... "ask whatever you want me to give to you." Solomon at this moment in time could have asked for anything that he ever desired. He could have asked for money or power or even long life... but he doesn't ask for any of these things. No he simply states to God that he wants the wisdom to lead His people. Solomon told God, I give you all of me for all you ARE... This is the heart that I desire.

This week has been another tough week. Even though I am hearing God clearly, I still have to make the choice of whether or not I am going to act upon what I am learning. Every morning and about 100 times throughout the day I have to surrender everything I am and ask for everything God is. One of my professors this week gave my a quote that I am trying to live my life by. It goes like this, "You may never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have." I am trying my hardest to get to a place in my life where I am totally content with Jesus and Jesus alone. So many times my desires, even good desires, become my focus instead of Christ. I want to be at a place where I am okay if my desires are never fulfilled, because I know that Christ death on the cross was more than I'll ever deserve. 

 GOD I give you all of me for all you ARE!!! 

God opens doors...God closes doors...

Here I am again back at square one. Tonight in my old testament class God reminded me once again about patience. But I have to admit, I am quite angry with God. Right when I feel I know where He is leading He shuts the door in my face. Right when I start to get excited about whats to come, He tells me "no, this is not for you." My desire it to give everything I am; I desire to be completely surrendered to God's will. But God has a mean curve ball. Right when I am focused on what I think He has placed before me, I swing away... MISS!!!
Tonight on the way home, I heard a song by the band Mainstay. The chorus states, "when all around me starts to fall, and when my faith it seems so small. Even in my darkest hour, I will believe. Even when the sun begins to fall, even when I feel nothing at all. Even if I'm alone, I will believe." This is where I am spiritually. I refuse to give up on God's plan for my life. Even when I don't understand or I am just plain mad! I still believe that God is working in my life. I just need to lay my desires at God's feet and allow Him to do with them what He wants. And of course be PATIENT! I hate that word.
To be even more honest! Where I am spiritually right now...hurts! I know that it is a good thing to be refined by God. But last time I checked, sitting in a blazing fire was not all that comfortable. One day I will look back and be thankful for what God has taken me through. I just pray it comes sooner rather than later.

Why am I awake???

It is Sunday morning and my computer says that it is 4:19am. I feel as though God is keeping me awake. Why? I don't know. When I realized that I was not going to be able to fall back asleep I just got up and thought... Why not write a blog? So here I am! Yesterday was absolutly amazing! Jamie had my birthday all planned out for me. I mean the whole day! She woke me up with breakfast in bed. She made my favorite, Cinnamon Rolls. To this she tells me that throughout my day I will receive 25 gifts. Hint...I turned 25. The first gift was my birthday card, the second was the cinnamon rolls, and the third was a glass of milk. The glass of milk is pretty important to me because right now my doctor says I am not allowed to have it (long story). Anyways I was excited. So the gifts continued, but some of the gifts were more special than the others. Jamie had taken the time to write on these pieces of paper that she cut into hearts all the things she really loved about me. Wow! These truly made my day. Jamie put so much effort into making my Birthday amazing!
Suddenly....... I do feel as though I know why I am awake. When I woke up... I had God and His plans for Jamie and I on my mind. Last night Jamie and I were discussing my current situation in life and my frustrations with it. Regardless of who, what and when's, I felt like I was doing something wrong... So when I woke up this morning, God was saying to me..."Chris I have placed you exactly where I want you to be for now." I understood exactly what it meant.
I am having the hardest time being patient right now. I feel like God has given me a glimpse of my future but He is telling me "Not Now." It is hard to wait. It is hard to trust. But I know the outcome will be so much better if I wait and trust.
Everyday I have Air 1's verse of the day sent to my phone. Yesterday's verse was Isaiah 65:24 which states, "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" God is so Faithful. Yesterday that verse didn't mean much, but this morning it means so much! God knew exactly where my heart was and before I had the time to pray...He gave me the answer. Now this doesn't mean it is the answer I want, but I know it is what I need.
So I guess I will end this with...I found out why I was awake!!!

Just when I thought it couldn't get better....It did!

God is so amazing! The past couple of days have been days filled with God proving just how incredible He is. I am simply blown away. Everywhere I turn there are doors being opened. It's like God has placed each step in front of me and all I have to do is take that step. I am still not sure what God has in store with my future, but I have to say that I am enjoying the ride! What is even more incredible is that God has united Jamie and I together for this. This journey, though hard, has strengened our marriage. Just when I thought I had all the love my wife needed...God gave me HIS love for her. Just when I thought our marriage was the best it could be... it got better!!! God is in the business of showing His Magnificent Glory. All He ask of us is to TRUST Him. God's plans are so much better than my plans.
God here I am.....SEND ME...I AM AVAILABLE...I WILL GO WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO.

Tapestry in the making...

Right now in my life there are so many things going on. I honestly feel like God is doing all these incredible things around me. Everywhere I look lives are being changed for the good. My brother and his wife are about to have a baby boy. Alex has found a home and will be in America this year. So with all this going on around me it would be quite easy to say "God? When are we going to be able to experience this incredible life change?" For the past couple of weeks I have had my ups and downs regarding God's timing. But what I have come to learn is that God sees so much more than I do. That is where this whole tapestry topic comes into play. God is constantly looking at this incredible tapestry that He is working on every second of our lives. Philippians 1:6 states, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Everyday when I wake up I have to trust in the fact that God is still working in me. What this means to me is that He is preparing me for something incredible. He is constantly molding me into what He wants me to be. But I have to be patient. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in control. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says that "eyes have not seen, ears have not heard and minds have not conceived what Christ has prepared for those who love Him." If I believe what the Word of God says then I have to believe that there is something in the making that will blow my mind away. Each day that I am obedient to God's will I get the privilege of experiencing His desires for my life. This was my thoughts for today...