Most of you who read this know that 4 months ago Jamie and I hosted a boy from Latvia named Alex (it's amazing how involved he is in my life and he doesn't even live here). While Alex was here I began to understand what it feels like to be a dad. From this moment on my "daddy switch" was activated. My desire to be a dad had overthrown my thought process until it became consuming. But God very clearly said... "not now." All I knew to say was, BUT WHY GOD!? Why give me the desires and why send me through and emotional roller coaster simply to tell me to WAIT.
I am studying about this guy named Joseph in the Old Testament. At the age of 17 Joseph was told through a dream that his family would eventually bow down to him. Shortly after these dreams his brothers sold him off into slavery. While in slavery his masters wife fell in love with him, and when Joseph refused her she told lies about him which got him thrown into prison... for two years. Now I am sure that during these times Joseph was asking GOD WHY!? He knew that this didn't line up with what God promised him through his dreams...
So now here I am. I get that Joseph had to have patients and that Joseph was learning all the stuff that he would eventually need to know to hold the office that he was destined to fulfill. What I don't understand is how to control my heart. I will explain...
Ever since January 16th (the day Alex went back to Latvia), not a day goes by that I don't think of little children who do not have a mommy or a daddy to love them. Not a night goes by that I don't think of a child who has no one to say "I love you, goodnight!" There are nights where I lie awake and think about all the children who lay in bed and wonder if there parents will ever come back and get them. There are millions of orphans all over the world that need a mom and a dad. Jamie and I can be that mom and dad. The Bible says religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widow in their distress. But God says WAIT. How do I control my heart?
This is what I don't understand. This is why I say God?!?!?! Why not now? GOD, you gave me this passion and desire. You gave me that heart that beats for them. Why give it to me, just to tell me to wait. GOD PLEASE ANSWER!
It's like I have the passion, but not permission...
Please know that what I am writing on this blog is the true depths of my heart. You are reading my cry. You are seeing me experience hurt, chaos and pain. Yet I know that through all of this... My obstacles are simply opportunities for God to show Himself. So I expectantly await God's revealing.
The initial verse that came to my mind for you is Jeremiah 29:11..."For I KNOW the PLANS I have for YOU declares the Lord, PLANS to GIVE You a HOPE and a FUTURE." When God was handing out patience, it seems that you and I were the last in line, because I don't have much myself. ;o) I don't like to wait and we live in such an instant gratification society (microwaves, drive thrus, internet, etc...) that when we have a plan, a desire....instantly it should be ours....wait for the Future???? It's puzzling I know. You are the palm of His mighty hands. He loves you and I believe in His perfect time HE WILL GIVE YOU the desires of your heart. In the meantime....HOPE with great excitement for the FUTURE that your Heavenly Father has for you and Jamie and know that we love you! Love, Mrs. Wade
ReplyDeleteLike JOB's friends, I will sit with you for seven days, but then I am going to tell you what you need to do ;-) (just kidding)
ReplyDeleteBrother, you know I love you guys and thank God daily for you. The conclusion we drew in class this morning for the "why" do we study Job--- to know that even when we don't have an answer, we trust fully in God even when we don't understand. the question of theodicy remains, but we do have an answer. we have the chance to enter into the dance with God. we get to come to the place of total surrender where we close our eyes and allow him to lead. He might step on your toes sometimes and you'll do the same to Him, but all the practice is worth it when you finally cross into the GRAND BALLROOM and dance with Him.
I read your pain and hurt and know that each of us have been placed on this journey for a reason. I too, love Jer. 29:11, it is a life verse and I have to read often.
ReplyDeleteWe are so thankful for you and Jamie. I know there is so much more on this journey than we can see. Sometimes the emotions are so overwhelming that it is hard to breath...
Know I am praying with you!!!